Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The day

Busy day today... got a bunch of stuff that's needing taking care of for awhile done, though there's still more to do. Got some nice new shampoo for the dogs and a dumbell so I can start working on the retrieve bit of the hotdog retrieve I'm teaching. Played around with target wand for duration today and cue discrimination which is a fancy-schmancy way of saying I spat out a bunch of cues so the dog actually had to LISTEN instead of just relying on hand signals the little stinker!

Other than that, just sort of processing everything at the moment, feeling unsettled and restless since I took Sierra out for her herding lesson. I've never been very happy being here in Hawthorn, I only moved here on the premise that we would be selling and moving shortly after I arrived to a place more suitable. I (rather thoughtlessly) assumed that Australia would be laid out similarly to the US where the country and city areas are quite meshed and you can have a few acres while still being in a nice area, close to amenities etc. Needless to say that has not been the case.

I miss the country terribly. It was something I longed for since I left my grandmothers farm when I was about 5 and I don't think I've ever felt as sincerely at peace with the world as when I was able to move out after college and live in Fowlerville and Charlotte. I was never comfortable until I left the city areas. I enjoyed every moment of living out there, the quiet, the peace, the sunrises on my porch, the cool night air, the wind in the trees, the sun on the fields and all of a thousand other things and long to have those things back. There doesn't seem to be any way for that to happen though, as Nic won't move out to the country and then there is the issue of his having to be close to his work and Laurent's schooling.

My home is where my family is and I wouldn't trade this little family we've made for anything in the world... they are my heart, they complete me, I adore them and I am thankful every day I get to have them in my life as corney as that sounds. I have a difficult time reconciling the idea that I have to give up one thing for the other... the idealist in me rebels at the idea that I can't have both if I just work hard enough or want it badly enough. I believe you ought to pursue your dreams vigorously and leap into life with all your heart because it's just too darn short and precious to do otherwise. And I'm all too aware that there's little use in dwelling on what you can't have and can't change in life to the point you miss out on the good things you could be enjoying. The heart feels what the heart feels though and it's not so easy to ignore something that's such a deep part of you.

I think of my mother-in-law who spent her whole life waiting to pursue her dream, in a rather similar situation to mine - wanting to move to the country and start a bed-and-breakfast, have a big garden and lots of animals... yet staying here for the sake of work and her childs education. She always waited for a better time, for the right time... until there was no more time because her cancer reoccured and killed her. I'd like to think that I can learn from that and live my life in a way that there are no regrets... which thus far I've pretty much managed to do. Not that nothing bad has ever happened but I'm content that I did the best I could with what I had and made the most of everything and so I regret nothing of it. I can see this being something I will regret though, if it never comes to pass, if I waited too long until it was too late. It's too much a part of me and you can't ignore your self, that part of you that makes you who and what you are, without consequences.

When I was out at the herding lesson, I spent a lot of the time walking around the area and taking it all in. It reminded me a lot of the areas I loved and made me miss them all the more and brought up all these things once again. I'm not sure where that leaves me but I know I definitely don't feel at "home" in Hawthorn and know myself well enough to honestly say I'm never going to be happy here or feel like I fit in among the BMW driving Prada wearing fashion mavens and their cafe culture, though I'm happy with other aspects of my life and pursue and enjoy those things which I can do something about. I need the country in my heart, the land and the trees and the dew on the grass. I want sheep and chooks. I want to be in an area I can have my dogs underfoot, swirling happily around my feet as we walk in the fields, a whole kennelfull of them. I want to be in an area where I can work with them, which will never happen in Hawthorn. I want a big rambling garden of veggies. I want to feel connected to the land the way I did before I moved. Just musing out loud a bit, I suppose, wanting to put it out and see it in words with some substance, however small, instead of just whispy thoughts dancing around my mind. And at least when I say it here, there's no worry it makes Nic feel badly that he can't give me those things which has been the case in the past when I've spoken of these feelings of longing.

In happier news, I heard back from the puppies breeder and she feels one of the black tri girls may end up being what I'm looking for, although a few days old is far too young to determine much of anything. She mentioned the name she's thinking of, registered and call name, and it seems to me that perhaps it's a good omen. The theme for the litter is "heart and soul"... iow all the puppies in the litter will have something to do with that in their registered names. (The names that will be on their papers - eg Sierra is U-AGI Samilyn Too Qute To Be Tru CGC HIC and Cade is Rohan's Cascata Di Luce CGC) The theme for the litter just seemed very perfect because this has been such a longtime dream of mine and the dogs and working with them really is such a part of what makes me me. The puppy would also be an anniversary prezzie of sorts. And the call name (eg Cade and Sierra) for it, she is thinking of "Hope" which seems rather apt as well since Nic has told me not to give up on this dream for a long time. That and Hope ties in to both Sierra and the dog I had before her Brianna. I have the weird quirk of giving my dogs middle names. My first was Brianna, a lovely Collie whose name was Brianna Hope. I wanted to call her Hope but in a dream she told me her name was Brianna but I could call her Brianna Hope if I liked. When she passed away in2002 and I got Sierra, I wanted to name Sierra, "Faith" in tribute to Brianna Hope because she was so much like her I rather felt that Bria had sent her to me. Same thing, I dreamed that Sierra told me her name was "Sierra" (a name I didn't like really...) but she'd love to be called Sierra Faith. So perhaps Brianna is still looking after me with this puppy... I wouldn't put it past her, she was the most loving soul you'd ever want to meet.

So that's my day... and since I've still got to attend to dinner, I'll leave it lay for now.

A few more photos from herding...


Sif said...

I believe in omens... :)

As for your dream... Hmmmm, don't give up on it yet... The country does sound and seem so right for you... What about areas like Castlemaine, it has amenities, is only a 20 minute drive from a majority rural city (Bendigo), I'm sure Nic could find work, and there would be good schools still etc. for Laurent...

Cabrissi said...

I'd *love* to move somewhere like that, my idea of heaven. Unfortunately Nic would never consider it no matter how I feel about the matter. He considers Doncaster to be "out in the sticks", "too far from the city" and has the most snobbish opinion of major rural towns you can imagine. Plus he doesn't (refuses) to drive so even 20 mins from Bendigo would be difficult. Even when I've talked to him about something like Blackburn, he insists it HAS to be within a few streets of a train station. I'm not giving up on my dream but we've chased our tails on the discussion so often I don't even like talking about it with him anymore because it goes nowhere and just makes us both feel bad.