NB: This was wrote over the past few weeks but I just didn't feel up to posting it at the time. So here it is in all it's long-dragging-out glory...

Okay. I admit it. I have been deliberately ignoring this blog because I just really had so much stuff swirling in my head and I just didn't want to "deal" with it. When you write it out, it's really quite unavoidable and so I'm much happier just burying myself in "busy" and pretending it doesn't exist.

The bigest part of it is Isabella. I've been warring with myself over this whole mess and kept going back and forth on it. Even though I know logically it was the right thing to do and have reassurances from Nic and our vet that it is the right thing to do it was something I really struggled with.

I'd go back and forth, from having accepted that it was the right thing and feeling quite calm about it to raging against it and how unfair it all is that I can't fix everything and crying my eyes out over the prospect of facing life without Isabella. Even up to the point we were going to the
vets I was arguing back and forth with myself and wanting to scream at them to stop and run out the door with her and away from it all. Which of course would have solved nothing but I wanted to run far, far away and hide my little dog from all the things that could hurt her and hide myself from having to be a responsible adult who had to face reality. In reality I was just standing there shaking. Nic said I looked very out of it and he wasn't sure he could even reach me if he'd tried at that point.

In the end though, yesterday at 6pm, we sent Isabella to the Rainbow Bridge. She was rescued at about 4 years old by the place I volunteered at. I knew she was mine the instant I saw her eyes. She was so scared but underneath was a sassy, spunky, bossy, little diva! It took her a long time to accept humans could be anything other than awful but she was tough even if she didn't look it. I don't know many people would have been able to do so well in the same situation. She was the head of my pack, a true alpha-bitch and ruled with a velvet-clad iron paw. Cade was her fellow couch-jockey and Sierra was 'her' puppy. They'll be lost without her to run their lives. We let them all have a chance to see she was gone so they'd understand what happened. They sniffed her gently for several minutes. Cade bowed to her a couple times which is something he does when he's uncertain. Then he crawled in Nic's lap and leaned into him whining. Sierra laid down next to her and rolled over extending her paw, which was her posture for letting Izzy clean her ears. We buried her beneath the roses and lit candles for her. I am sure she was met at the Bridge by my Brianna (my Collie), my Himalayans and the dogs of my childhood who will show her where the liver-treats and other goodies are but we will still miss her bitterly.

I am still in shock I think. It doesn't seem real. It feels like she should come in from sunning herself in the backyard and demand treats at any moment. I feel as numb inside as I did when we were at the vets. I feel sick with missing her. I just stared and murmured to her as the vet shaved her leg and gave her the first muscle relaxant so she wouldn't be stressed... just like I was standing beside myself, watching it all happening and wanting to run around screaming. I felt like I'd been given the ketamine and valium and it was my muscles that wouldn't respond. Today I keep saying things and including her. Nic said it was time to feed the two dogs and I almost corrected him without thinking and said, "aren't you forgetting someone?" When he called me out to see the grave he'd prepared for her, I stopped halfway as I was going to close the bathroom door so she wouldn't sneak into the cats food. When I go to call them from outside, I still call three dogs names. It's reflexive and it hurts like it's happening all over again
every time I do. I'm a complete scatterbrain, I just can't think and running around trying to get out of the house and get all of his things today I just kept running back and forth, picking one thing up, setting it down, forgetting where I put it when I went to get the next.

I went to a Mothers Play Day event Friday, helping to man the MAAP stand. Which mostly meant standing there, playing with Laurent and talking with everyone else. I'm so glad I had that becuase I don't think I could have faced being alone with the baby in a house where she wasn't. When I'm upset, he starts screaming. At the point she actually died at the vet he burst out wailing like a lost soul. The whole way home from the vets he was just wailing heartbrokenly and wouldn't be soothed for anything. He's so empathic that way.

Princess Isabella Catriona, Vanquisher of Evil Yard Invading Doves, Master
of Food Sneak-Thiefing and Ruler of All She Surveyed. Rest peacefully my
girl.
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It was one week ago Friday and it seems like forever. I've thought about
blogging during that time, sometimes something will happen and I'll think
I'd like to write about it but then I also want to keep it just to myself.
Grief is such an intensely private journey, I'm not sure I know the right
words to capture my thoughts. I feel like my writing is disjointed, jerking
and halting, sputtering out in fits and starts and not making any sense at
all. But then, that's how my thoughts are at the moment so maybe it's only
fitting.

It's weird not to have three dogs... it's weird not to see her when I think
I'm going to. I've been avoiding the front garden where she was buried
because I cry every time I go and see the flowers over her grave. Cade and
Sierra adjusted quite well, they were a bit clingy for a few days but didn't
wander around looking for her, so I think they understood. They both slept
in the bedroom with us for three nights before they felt okay enough that
they voluntarily slept in their usual spots again. That was fine, I think
we all needed eachother close by after.

On the weekend, Nic took care of Laurent a lot which gave me some room to
just grieve and really process everything. He asked when I was going to
change ehr webpage or update it and I just told him I didn't want to change
it right now. Just for a little while I want that to be the same. I'll
think about her at the oddest times and I'm still catching myself doing
things like I did when she was here even though she doesn't need me to do
them anymore. I guess it will be awhile before I get fully used to that
idea. Little things get me, like we went to a park the other day and took
some pictures of the dogs and myself and Laurent and I just sat thinking for
awhile that these were the first photos without Isabella, the first photos
she wouldn't be in, the first time she wasn't with us at the park, the first
autumn leaves she wasn't snuffling around in and I felt her absence so
keenly.

It hit me how changed our family is and I've also been going through what I
go through every time there is a loss in my life... remembering all the
others who have gone on before. So I've been thinking about my other pets
that have departed but also about the people absent for our lives. Grandpa
for one, it's stunning to think he's been gone since January... I keep
thinking when Laurent does some new little thing that he will be amused by
it and it'll bring a smile to his face. It's hard to think L will never
know him the way Nic did and it's hard to think of the stories he knew that
won't be shared. It's the same thing with Nic's mum, though I never met her
in person and we only talked on the phone when I'd call Nic and he wasn't
there or was busy for a few minutes. I miss her for Nic's sake, for my own
and for Laurent's. She would have loved him so much. And I have so many
questions I'd like to ask her, so much of the time I wonder if she felt the
same things as a new mother that I do now and what Nic was like as a baby,
when he got his first tooth, how she dealt with nights he was fussy, if she
loved to bury her nose in his sweet baby hair and inhale that lovely fresh
baby scent like I do with Laurent. Little stuff I suppose but important
too. I'm sad that Laurent will never know his grandmother except in stories
and photographs.

There have been good things going on... in the midst of it all life does go
on. We finally got two new bookcases from Ikea... we've needed them since
forever and I'm so chuffed with them! I've got new nappies for Laurent on
their way, two simply nights, an ericas and a very baby. There was a
miscommunication with the order so we're also getting a surprise nappy with
that. I also got a neat batik tye dye one that's green for nights and a
littlesquirt, some boosters and wraps from baby behinds, plus another
cuddlebuns one which has trains on it and makes us the owner of the very
first Cuddlebuns Quick Dry in Australia! LOL So we're almost full time
cloth (using sposies maybe 1x every couple of days when the laundry takes
too long. We've only got enough to last for 1 day so it means a wash a
night and we don't always make it fully dry in time for morning. But the
new ones that are on their way (sounds like I've ordered them all at once
but it's been over a 2 month period really) should go a ways to making it
every 2 days and then we'll keep going till we have enough to wash a full
load once every 3 days.
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YAY! The nappy fairy came for us today! She brought three orders, all on
the same day! So now we've got two new Simply Nights, a Nappy Chappie
Sandman (wow... incredible boosters on that!), a velour VB, a dinosaur VB, a
lovely courderoy Erica's and a VBasic Bamboo. Plus the choo-choo train
Cuddlebuns we're picking up today.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

WOOT!!! Nappy fairy lands again, this time with two Simply Nights... one is tie dye rainbow red to blue and the other is done as a water melon with the back end green and the front end watermelon color with little black 'seeds'! So friggin' cute! ^_^'

In less stunning news, I almost got ran over by a tram while crossing the road in Melbourne. Seriously, I had to jump out of the way and knock on the drivers window. I was like two inches in front of him and the little green dude was on the cross walk thingie so it's not like I was where I wasn't supposed to be... SHEESH!

L has been, as usual, utterly adorable. His big thing at the moment is feeding himself. He seriously chucks a hissy fit if I try to feed him, grabs at the spoon and happily feeds himself. He'll let me load it, no problem, but just don't try FEEDING him 'cuz he can do it all by himself! LOL It's messy but it's so darn cute it's worth the mess.

Meanwhile, Cade has responded very well to the Metacam we put him on for his hip/soft tissue injury. I refuse to entertain the idea of Rimadyl but Metacam we've had a good reaction to in the past and the number of problems with it (and personal problems) have been far less. Superstitious behaviour on my part perhaps but eh... go with what works. On the other hand, we do need to speak to his vet to see if we can find something perhaps a little less costly, as the Metacam is about $60 for a little bitty bottle that lasts about a month. We'll use it if necessary but it can't hurt to see if there is something comprable but less exxy or if we can get it somewhere else less expensively. That's at least a couple extra seminars a year right???

Training wise, I've been reading a lot of theoretical stuff and right now I'm tired enough that my head is kind of swimmy with it all. I need, I NEED to be better about the practical applications though. (IOW getting off my dead butt and training...) Sierra has been doing better about LLW but then it all went to pieces when I went to pick up some kitten kibble the other day and she was a total idjit with all the distractions... including the 6montholdish lab/kelpie cross who wanted to pllayyy almost as badly as she did.

AWOL

I stayed up way too late the past few nights and have been sort of mentally bogged down because one of my dogs will most likely have to be put to sleep in the next week or so. We've tried pretty much everything with no real success and not any good options from this point out. I'm really struggling with it because I have worked SO hard with this particular dog and there is a sort of bond that is there that isn't with the others. Not that I love her more or them less... but I guess in so many ways her journey has just been entangled with mine in a different way than theirs. I promised her when I rescued her that her nightmare was over, she would never have to suffer again. Unfortunately this is one time I can't fix the problem and when I think of all the little moments and all the work and breakthroughs and little things like when she curled up with me while I was pregnant for the first time and started to allow petting... I feel all the more like a failure for not being able to fix it. Even though logically I understand, on an emotional level I feel like I should be able to do something because she is depending on me to. We went into the vets after they closed last night to have a chat. The vet pretty much said that I shouldn't feel bad, I've tried everything and DH was agreeing and I know they mean well but... yk?

Several years back before I started college I was working at a vets office. At one point we had one of the techs bring in their dog, a very aged golden retriever, to be put down. He was very old, trembling on his stiff legs and even the effort of standing up was obviously taxing. His tail gently swished as he looked up at everyone. Everyone stroked him, softly so as not to cause pain to arthritic joints. Hanna told him what a good boy he was, how much she loved him, that it was okay to go and she understood and we all helping him to lay down on the thick pad of blankets we'd arranged. He relaxed into our hands, turning himself over to gentle touches and soft words. The way he acted and the way he looked, he knew. I know it's anthromorphizing but looking into that dogs eyes at that moment, I can't believe anything else. With the support and care of everyone he laid his head on her lap and sighed deeply before his body relaxed and the shot was administered. Later it was time for the vet and I to take him out of the room and she (the vet) was crying. I wasn't and she asked if I wasn't sad. I told her I didn't find it sad... sad was for dogs who died alone and unloved, dogs who hurt and suffered with no one to care. This dog, I had looked into his eyes - he was ready to go. He'd lived a wonderful life and loved it but now he was tired and his bones hurt and breathing hurt and he'd held on as long as he had for Hanna I think. He'd made his peace and he was content to leave this earthly plane surrounded by friends. He would still be with her though not in body. I felt we'd done the last kind thing we could for a dog who'd given his all. His death was gentle, loving, respectful, dignified. We should all be so lucky. I found it touching and was honored to see this old fellow exit this life with the quiet strength and a staid sense of dignity he'd lived with and while I was sad for Hanna, I wasn't for the dog... he'd lived well and died well.

I've met other dogs like that... with my own Bria, she was quieter around the time and I'd left to get her some of the tinned food that was tempting her tastebuds this week, only to find her dying when I arrived back. She'd held on until I returned and passed away in my arms. She too was ready I think, though I definitely wasn't and would have done anything to be able to heal her. When I look at Isabella, right now I just don't see a dog who is done living life. She's not ready to give up just yet and because of that I think I'm not ready.

Nic has been really sweet about it all. He knew how much it has been bothering me and has brought me bouquets (yes, multiple) of roses and just been overall considerate and comforting as possible. I'm still going to talk to one last person. This was actually advice from my vet. I love my vet... she is a really wonderful person as well as a wonderful vet and we have a similar sense of (warped) humor. She doubts he'll know anything and I know too but I have to check anyway. Even if it's a 1 in 100000 chance, I have to know beyond the shadow of a doubt. She told me she knew I was that kind of person and I should talk to this guy if only for my own piece of mind. She's right, it would haunt me forever if I didn't.

At the end of it all we were talking a bit about the other dogs. She was asking after Sierra, who a few months back had a dental abcess for no apparent reason over the single most difficult to opperate on tooth in her head. We opted to give antibiotics for 33 days. Si pranced into the vets office to show it off and gulped down her medications cheerful as you please with only a few cookie crumbs to 'hide' it in. The vet told her she ought to be ashamed of how easy she was to medicate. See, my dogs never go in for normal problems. No colds or fleas or anything like that. Oh no! My dogs aspire toward the bizare, unusual and just plain weird instead. The time before Cade managed to have an *cough* penis issue. (Don't ask...) Every time we see her she likes to tell me, "Amanda, your dogs are just Special!" This time she told me, "You know, you really need to get a normal dog." I replied, "Well, I have Sierra...she's kind of normal." Then she reminded me about the medication, so I had to tell her that Sierra took the entire rest of the 33 days worth without even the pitiful cookie crumbs to hide it in. Okay... so my dogs really are "Special!"

On the up side of things, I'm coming along pretty well with my first knitting project... a scarf for L. It's a really nice teal-ish blue color which matches the color of blue in his eye. (For anyone who doesn't know by now, his left eye is half brown/half blue and his right is all brown, so that's not a typo!) I want to try and make a bunny face by fulling, which is like felting except not with loose wool. Then I'm going to embroider it on one end of the scarf. Cute eh?

Another really neat thing is that Nic has been doing a lot of extra stuff at work and apparently his boss has noticed this and gave him a $100 gift certificate! OMG!!! I could hardly believe it and decided that instead of spending it on purely practical stuff (bills, groceries etc.) we could use it just for stuff we wanted instead. So I got Laurent some really cute socks and a beanie hat with a tassle that matches the scarf I'm making (!), a pair of bunny ears on a headband and a sweet little plush bunny as well. I got myself a little mobile phone holder with a kitty embroidered on it which looks just like our Tache! We got a bit to eat as well, which we usually don't do because it's too expensive when we can do it ourselves. And we've still got about $40 leftover and I know Nic wants to get some Warhammer stuff but I also want to see if I can get some new socks and t-shirts for him as well at Target.

I've been absolutely awful about training the dogs, just clicking a few things they already know here and there. I'm just way too tired to try and think any harder at the moment. L has been... well, I don't KNOW what he's been. He's been refluxing a lot more lately. He has these awful smelling burps at times. He's not sleeping well at all. Every 15 minutes he wakes back up crying and arching his back so we're rocking him round the clock and not getting any sleep ourselves. We're seeing the chiro Friday and if she can't fix it we're going to go to meds for the reflux and see if that makes a difference.

Dinner yesterday:
Nic's Beef WOSAOGS
aka Beef with oyster sauce and other good stuff

500 g stir fry beef (or cut a rump steak into strips)
2 cloves garlic, diced
2 cm piece ginger, diced
1 small onion, thinly sliced
50ml light soy
1/3 - 1/2 cup white sugar
30ml oyster sauce
1/2 cup water
pinch chilli flakes

Peel and dice garlic and ginger. Peel onion and slice thinly. Put aprox 2 T oil into medium fry pan and saute onion, garlic and ginger till just coloured. Add beef strips, aprox 500g worth, brown. Add light soy, oyster sauce, water, chilli flakes and white sugar. Boil till sugar carmelizes and bubbles up. WATCH CAREFULLY! You want to stop just before it carmelizes, as it will finish carmelizing/thickening as it cools. Too much makes it bitter and acrid. Serve with rice and miso soup on the side, garnish with spring onion. If you like your dishes spicey, saute the chilli flakes with the onion, garlic and ginger in a well ventilated kitchen.

Dinner today: Roast leg of lamb with rosemary and thyme, with fresh garden salad and camomile tea- super yummy and one of my favorites... it's dead easy, you take a leg of lamb, chuck on some olive oil, toss on some crushed garlic cloves, a bit of black pepper, some salt, rosemary and thyme and roast! YUUUUMMMMMMMM...


I Love My
(Y)
( . .)
(") (")
Baby Bunny!

Just a day, just an ordinary day...

Sorry for the annoying song title... but it was just an ordinary day but like the song says, a nice one because it's the weekend and DH was home with us. :-)

We went to the Camberwell open-air market and spent the morning wandering around looking at stuff and chatting. For a couple dollars, I managed to snag a piece of ocean agate, a piece of regular pink agate, a piece of rough serpentine from Tassie and a silver/serpentine necklace from Afghanistan. (Same source as my first piece!)

When we came home Nic finished refencing in the garden and putting down the lucerne, moo poo, dynamic lifter etc. to the new bit of garden bed and hopefully that'll be ready to plant some nice beans and stuff shortly!

After that I spent most of the night cuddling and playing with the giggly, smiley, raspberry blowing, wiggly-squiggly little tumbleweed of a child who is getting waaaayyy too good at rolling grabbing stuff! Darn thing is, he's cheeky about it because he knows I thinkhe's so freaking CUTE and terribly clever! LOL

A not so fun note... we've been having "issues" with Isabella. Her most recent seizure was longer and weird. She's also been having some "bowel" issues as well for awhile. We've been having long talks about what to do as we've tried pretty much everything at this point that we or the vet can really think of. Options are pretty limited and kind of crap, so it's been sort of weighing on me for the past several days especially.

Other than that, I'm just mostly tired... another night of L playing pop-up every 30-45 minutes or so and just not getting any good sleep poor thing. I think I might call the chiro and ask if we can't be put on a cancelation list or something. I'm guessing it's a combo of reflux and teething owwies.

No training... too tired, my timing would be crap, so better to leave it for tomorrow despite the dog BEGGING ME to PLLLLLEEASSSEEE train her by sttarrring intently at the darn clicker and whining.

Dinner: teriyaki don and char siu pork. Verdict: Teriyaki is a regular so yummy, the char siu pork Nic did something "artistic" with and it had this really odd flavoring... not bad, not good, just ODD! 8-0

Okay, so I lied.

After I blogged I went and did some training with Cade.

GOAL: 10 seconds uncued steady eye contact

Goal: eye contact for 1 second uncued no contact or body language other than looking
20X in a row - he did fine, moved to
Goal: eye contact for 2 seconds uncued no contact or body language other than looking
20x - he did fine, moved to
Goal: eye contact for 3 seconds uncued no contact or body language other than looking
20x - he did fine, moved to
Goal: eye contact for 1 peck method up to 10 seconds uncued no contact or body language other than looking
Results: got to 8, had to reset, got to 9 had to reset, got to 3 had to reset (but addtl distraction from DH banging pots he was cleaning and the other two pests drooling...) Got to ten 3x, broke concentration on the last one, reset to 1

Tomorrows goal: 10 seconds 20x, attach a cue