3 Months

Can you believe it? I can't! The calender in front of me dares me to say differently though - my Lilypilly is 3 months old. She is such a beautiful little soul and I am just eatting up every minute of her.

Her birth has left me absolutely high on life and with a deep sense of content, bless those lovely labor hormones. There is a sort of more or less permanent rosey glow going on and aside from the chucky factor meaning I go through a fair number of shirts a day she is just pure enjoyment.

If you'll excuse the ProudMomma gush, she is as clever a little critter as you'd hope for. At 3 months she is a chatty little thing, who has a variety of delicious little coos and is happy to flirt with anyone who smiles at her.

She loves her brother - stares at him in wonderment. The feeling is mutual and he is the second most gifted at getting her to beam and burble delightedly and he loves to 'play music', dance or dangle a toy for her. She is a bibi fiend, which probably explains those chubbalucious little rolls of ever-so-soft baby skin that are so much fun to kiss.

She has discovered she has two mitties and they do what she wants them to... most of the time!

Besides her little monkeygrip (ouch, that works especially well on hair) she occupies herself by swiping at interesting things, bringing it to her face to study and taste with a look of concentration as she ponders the wonders of fabric patterns. She has spent the last few weeks kicking about, twisting, attempting to do baby-crunches and otherwise figuring out how to make herself flip over...



and gosh, isn't the world an amazing place from this point of view???

Addendum

Just to clarify on my prior post - I am NOT among those who use the description of 'sheep' to describe women choosing hospital based births, inferring that women choosing a location or options different from my personal choices are somehow or something less, that women who choose hospitals or intervention deserve what they get akin to a rape victim who has worn a short skirt asking for it, that they deserve any less than a beautiful and respectful birth, that it's not possible to have a 'good' birth in a hospital or impossible unless you are just lucky.

I feel no one has the right or ability to determine or judge what is right for another person or how they ought to value, view, feel, interpret or experience all the myriad things that are weighed up in such a profoundly personal choice as where, how and who to birth with. That is precisely what I am decrying.

I am also not addressing where women are bullied, are acted upon against their wills or without their permission. I am speaking exclusively to the fact that women have the right to elect for procedures and options in hospital births even though they also carry risks, some of which are potentially severe, without their unborn child's rights being used to over-ride their right to choice. While it can be argued in some cases these can't be real choices because many are not made with full information, as all any of us can do is make the choices based on the information we have at that point in time, I am going with the word choice for lack of a better one.

I support the right to full, accurate and balanced information for women on their range of choices and the risks associated with each absolutely. There is an imbalance of it currently widely available and I would like to see that remedied. Likewise I support the right to be treated with inherent respect and dignity no matter what or where. I believe a shift in the hospital structure and policy to allow for better support for women and staff to have the resources, training and support to do so is desperately necessary.

This sum of my post is this:
If homebirth is not the huge risk that the uninformed often suppose and birthing in a hospital is not a guarantee for a safe birth - in some cases in spite of the hospital and in some cases because of it and besides location other options a woman has the right to choose on behalf of her unborn also carry risks and the nature of some of those the argument that a hospital is the only acceptable place to birth because it is the only safe or safest place to birth does not make sense.

Likewise every time a mother chooses a hospital or birthing center, chooses which pregnancy tests to accept or decline and chooses which management options she wants or does not want, she is also making choices on behalf of the baby which have risks associated with it. If the rights of the baby are not then an issue or suggested to trump the mothers right to choice for hospital based births, WHY are they an issue and argument against the right to choice when the location and choice in homebirth? If the woman choosing hospital has the right to choose for herself and on behalf of her unborn, the right must then logically extend to the other as well.

It also makes me wonder how many have thought through the consequences of what they suggest - that if we are going to argue the baby's rights as determined by some other party dictate the acceptable course of action then that must extend to all births not just homebirths. I'm not sure about anyone else but the idea of an arbitrary third party dictating what are acceptable risks for me, my body and my baby and being able to force procedures on me under the guise of "baby's rights" makes my blood run cold. It should be as it is - up to us as individuals to weigh the potential costs and benefits as relates to ourselves and our situations and determine which we as a mother-baby unit want, need, are comfortable with and feel necessary for us personally. While Nicola Roxton's decision is positive in a number of ways, it is despicable that it brings those benefits at the cost of removing the rights of women to choose independent midwifery (for homebirths or otherwise) and removing the rights of midwives to private practice.

What about the baby's rights?

"Homebirth is about to become illegal in July 2010, as private midwives do not have access to professional indemnity insurance and therefore will not be able to register on the new national register. Even if you don't believe in homebirth, this is an infringement of women's rights."

This statement elicited the response from one person of, "What about the baby's rights?"

It's a frequently heard point brought up whenever homebirth and women's rights to choice for the mode of care is brought up recently it seems. It always strikes me as such a curious question. What about the rights of the baby?

First, it supposes that homebirth is more risky to the life of mother and child than hospital birth. Evidence based, empirical, large scale, peer reviewed research flatly proves that incorrect. Further to that, countries across the world (and no, not third world 'backward' ones) where homebirth is a fully supported option contradict it through experience - infant mortality is LOWER in these countries.

If and when medical care is necessary, the midwife(s) are able to both treat (the same as a midwife would in attending a hospital birth) or advise and attend transfer to a facility where more advanced care is available. (As would be the case if something happened in a hospital based check-up or were in the L&D ward and saw something that warranted further investigation or had an emergency necessitating transfer to theater.) These are all things that are prearranged and in place well ahead of the EDD should a non-emergent transfer become advisable or an emergency crop up.

Second, it's curious the question never comes up in terms to what are the babies rights in regards to a woman choosing to go to a hospital to birth. Women have the right to have elective c-sections - a procedure which has multiple risks including higher incidence of neonatal death, persistent pulmonary hypertension etc. A recent large-scale 4 year US study of 12,000 neonatal deaths examining rates for babies born by Cesarean among low-risk women who chose for non medical reasons is 1.77 to 0.62 vaginal deaths.

Ignoring the big tickets like caesars - how about the other procedures women who choose hospitals choose for their babies - such as pain management (gas, pethidine, epidurals etc) all of which carry many risks for the neonate as well as risks for the mother. Rare, as are complications in homebirths one might argue, but risks still - ranging from increasing risk of infection, risk of respiratory distress, decreased success and duration in breastfeeding, including and up to the risk of death. The common 'generally harmless' epidurals have a relatively common side effect for example of cause the mothers BP to drop, which compromises the fetus oxygen supply through the placenta causing distress and further intervention. Failure of labor to progress, 4x the rate of requiring forceps, 2-3x more likely to have c-sections are only a few others. Look at the rate of unintervened births in hospitals or the average c-section rate either Australia wide or especially within the private hospitals. We fall woefully short of the World Health Organizations recommendations.

Even further up the chart of 'safe', 'normal' procedures in hospitals such things as routine vitamin K for their newborns or cord clamping before the cord has fully stopped pulsating carry risks. The vitamin K used is a synthetic variety and there are a number of risks linked to it. Halting the cord flow prematurely has got to be one of the least sensible things around and risks many issues including brain damage and more than doubles the risk of hematocrit levels remaining dangerously low for MONTHS. I might also mention Hep B vaccinations. Again, all these things are well documented in peer reviewed studies, papers and the major professional journals - but no one EVER brings up the issue of the babies rights vs the mothers choice when the mother chooses to have a hospital birth or chooses hospital procedures on behalf of herself and her child.

It astonishes me that there is a common perception that while those who choose hospital births and/or management/interventions go completely without questioning simply because it is the broader cultural norm in Australia while homebirth seems to assume the woman does so because they are ignorant of how risky it must be or else selfishly choose to risk their children because of their own personal preferences and suddenly all the rights of the baby come into question.

There is an awful lot of 'behind the scenes' stuff that goes into a homebirth to ensure safety of both mother and child that most people are simply not aware of when they make suppositions about safety of homebirths or what one entails. No one is more motivated to protect a baby than it's own mother.

Let me also be perfectly clear here: I am NOT anti-hospital. Where it is necessary and warranted it is absolutely a lifesaving miracle. Had I need of it, I would be there in a heartbeat. I am against the removal of our rights to choose, poor arguments and misinformation however. Likewise I am flatly against the lack of balanced and full information disclosed to the patients in the widely available 'mainstream' education programs/resources. It's impossible to make an informed decision when the information is withheld or skewed to suit any agenda instead of being allowed to speak for itself and be weighed individually on a case by case basis - even if it's withheld with good intentions or ostensibly good reasons. (IE "Don't want to confuse them with too many choices/information they don't wouldn't understand/don't need to know..." type stuff)

It also occurs to me that safety of the baby isn't the only important thing. No one is suggesting it's not important or suggesting risking baby for the sake of mother but it doesn't bear up that any outcome is acceptable so long as the baby comes out healthy either. Maternal physical and mental well-being are very valid issues. Neither is it an exclusive issue - maternal experience certainly impacts on the child, it's likelihood to thrive and their relationship potentially for years to come.

So... what about the rights of the baby?

Another brief photo post

I love the light we've got at the moment... the sun is out less often since it's winter but it's gorgeous when it does show itself. I snapped this from our back porch while I was feeding all the birds.

Next is the calorimetry headband. I finished it yesterday morning but didn't get a chance to get the ends wove in till now to photograph it.

Laid flat - preblocking obviously.

And on the head. :)

Last but not least is the newest addition - another little white muzzie girl, come to us courtesy of Flogs! So now we have Matilda, Magnolia and Mazie.

The view from here...

... is miles and miles of smiles!

I started a calorimetry pattern, a sort of headband type thing to keep my hair out of my face. Yarn is Moda Vera Picchio, silk and wool, in emerald greens and blues. Ignore the red threads on the needles - those are just my cheapskate placemarkers. ~_~;

I've been thinking a lot of Cami recently, partly because Nic has suggested that perhaps it would be good to get another puppy - something I am in no way, shape or form ready for given I can barely look at pictures without crying. And partly because we're going to the same (poultry) shows and auctions I took her to last year as a little baby and having to tell everyone why she's not here. I'm glad people remember her and I do enjoy sharing the funny little things they remembered about her but it opened it up again and along with remembering comes the guilt and hurt.

Then yesterday Laurent came down with some sort of virus and spiked a fever. He's been running temps between 38.5 and 40C last night and through today. He swings from cooperative to wailing like a lost soul and nothing is right in his world. He hurts, food tastes bad, his stomach is yucky, his feet are cold, the light is bright and everything is too loud. While I was making breakfast this morning, he looked around and asked where Cami was between mouthfuls of cornflakes and started telling me about an adventure he'd had with her last night not seeming to remember she has died. The adventure was totally made up - he and Cami had gone hunting for honey and climbed a tree to get it with balloons and bees a la Winnie The Poo and Christopher Robin - obviously something he'd dreamed of but it started a whole slew of questions.

Probably a dozen times today he's asked where she is. I try to be honest with him instead of hiding the truth or using sugarcoated euphemisms, so we tell him that someone in a car ran over Cami and Cami's body was too broke for her to live in anymore so she died. Death is what happens when your body is too sick or too broke to be fixed anymore and you can't keep living in it. It's about the simplest way I could think of to explain what happens and he seems very at ease with the ideas of some owwies being too bad to fix and of death meaning you leave your body.

He recounts that she had a bad ouchie from the car, that she was laying on the porch and he had to be careful only to touch her on her head and not on her ouchies. (When we found her I had to keep him from trying to hug her better.) We put her on the blanket and took her to the car and mummy was very upset. We went to see the doctors at the vets and they gave her "IB" (an IV) to make her feel better. She was on the table (at the vets) and he pulled up the blanket to keep her warm. We had to put her in the cage on the blankets to be warm. The vets band aids (solution to all injuries in the world according to 3 year olds) weren't good enough to fix her. Cami was too broke for the doctor to fix and her body died. Over and over and over he keeps asking where she is and then remembering and recounting it all through his fever. Hopie doesn't have owwies though. She wants bikkies. Only Cami got bad owwies. Veri and Sisi don't have owwies either. They like to play tennis ball still. But Cami had bad owwies the doctor couldn't fix and died. Over and over.

random Aussie sketch

A sketch of a dog I saw at one of the Vic shows awhile ago, with a visiting pet owner.

Today was not a day I looked forward to - the car needed servicing.

Yeah, I hear you - big honking deal. Except that servicing the car here entails waking up the 3.5 year old and 2 month old at 5:30AM, hauling them out into the cold to drop Nic off to the train and then deal with settling two cranky, overtired children once we get home before later waking them up early enough to drop off to the mechanics, whereupon I'm stranded for the day with two small children, one cranky with a cold and the nearest bus stop a 2.5 kg walk, for a 45 minute ride to the nearest train station. Sound like anyones idea of fun yet??? What? No takers? I'm shocked!

At any rate, today was not as terrible as it could be although it wasn't fun. It started upon arrival where we found they had penciled us in for Wednesday instead of Thursday as asked for and were cross with us having been 'no shows' from incorrectly penciling us in. So we walked into town, we stopped at the pizza joint, we had excellent nosh and headed toward the playground to wait for the bus. When we got there some local youths had smeared excrement all over everything, up and down the slides, on the rocking critters etc - try explaining that to a 3 year old! So we walked back into town - or rather I walked carrying Lily while La whinged and tantrumed in true unreasonable and ill 3.5 year old style. We watched the birds for awhile

and poked around the shops... one of which sells some local handspun/dyed yarn and when I saw this I just had to pick it up! It's $9 for aprox 90g but the neat part is the fiber content: it's dyed sheep and white samoyd - yes, SAMOYD... as in the big white fluffy DOG.

After this we caught the bus, with La claiming to have an owwie back and was sick on the bus, progressing into screaming, wailing and hysterics. He is still feeling miserable as anything and sacked out with a fever.

At any rate, we made it home and I went to let the dogs out when I noticed a goose in the yard...

This is not MY goose. Well... it is now I suppose but I digress. The day before we'd had a woman pull up claiming she'd found a goose walking down the road (as you do...), it had laid an egg, her dog was going to eat it and was it mine. It goes without saying this happened just as I was trying to get the fire going and succeeding after 20 minutes of babying it along, the dishes were stacked everywhere for washing, pile of unsorted laundry was waiting for folding on the couch, La was whinging about breakfast and Lily was just feeling disgruntled over being set down so I could start a fire and warm the place to something above subzero, let alone had a chance to put a brush through my hair or make-up on. Mine were secure in their yard so I suggested maybe it belonged to a neighbor who has geese but if it wasn't, she was welcome to leave the bird with me. I didn't hear from her so I assumed it must've been the neighbors but I'm guessing that having found it in my yard today, it must not have been! So now I've got another goose.

And this is just one for me. I completed the scarf bit awhile ago and decided to start felting a little black tri Aussie on it for La who wants a "dog like Hopie". I've roughed in most of the body shape but still have to do the head and bear in mind it's still very rough and will be more refined by the time I'm done. :) This is done with tufts of wool rovings (picture a cotton ball if you tore it apart) placed on the scarf into the desired shape and needled down. The felting needle on the left tangles the fibers together until they mat into felt and attach to the scarf. Good fun!

Cruising along

Little madam is 2 months old now and has grown heaps - 5 cm longer and 1.26kg up from her birth measurements. She has discovered her voice and the power of smiling at people to get them to interact and frequently has long 'conversations'. We are just cruising along, still rather riding the high from her birth. She is just beautiful and generally such an easy-going little soul over all. In a weird way, parenting two is easier than one as she seems to balance him out really.

Laurent has hit a bit of a rough patch, either due to a cold, a major growth spurt (holy dooley, this kid sprouted overnight!) and/or finally seeing some adjustment from her arrival. He swings from being the most unbelievably sweet, gorgeous, considerate, helpful little person to feeling incredibly frustrated and crying over things that normally wouldn't make him blink.

He's going well with his toilet learning again though and his vocabulary has had another explosion as well lately. (Not all for the better though, if you grasp my meaning! Shame on mummy!) Nic also has him pronouncing things very snobbishly ie 'herbs' etc. It's all good though - I've got him breaking out with 'mate' and 'onya' to annoy the crap out of Nic in return... so he switches from very prim and proper to ocker when asking you to "pass the herbs, mate"! (I am so going to hell for manipulating my child's vocab to annoy my husbands sensibilities!)

In the meantime it is well and truly winter here and building the fire is a morning essential. Despite it being a season where not much is growing or changing in the garden, it's exciting in it's own way as there's much dreaming, scheming, planning and preparing to do so come spring everything will be ready to burst into life. We feed the soils... incorporating lots of nutrient rich organic matter and letting it settle in. Later we'll mulch. Improving the soil has been an issue since we moved in being on heavy clay lime, badly compacted, with almost no topsoil. It just chokes the plants - the clay is impenetrable to roots, suffocates them and repels water like it's teflon coated. The lawns and paddocks are still works in progress - I need to rent an aerator for the lawn and maybe hire a slasher or something for the paddocks? I have more research to do there. My smaller garden beds are turning into lovely loamy rich soil though and our new (recycled!) 3 bay compost built just after Lily was born is nearly full up! I've also got plans to put in new beds in the front garden and in the rear and plant heritage variety apple trees I've pre-ordered for July/August.

We are still waiting on purchasing the second car now that Nic has taken mine. Waking at 5:30am to haul a 3.5 year old and a 2 month old out into the freezing cold to drop him off, then resettling, than doing in reverse at night is just too much for most days! It's doing my head in though, as there have been times when I have literally not seen or talked to another human being aside from Laurent, Lily and Nic for a full week and given Nic's hours I only see him about 2 hrs in the evening. Most days we're fine as there is enough to us busy but I'm very much looking forward to having a car again and being able to see people again all the same!

I feel like it's a bit of a winter period for me as well, hibernating and letting my thoughts age before they are brought out. There is growth and change but like the roots of a plant it's mostly happening underneath and unseen. Every time I go to write what is on my mind at the moment though I stall or it's all just fragmentary thought stream. Spring feels like it has so much potential though and I'm kind of enjoying the feeling.

At any rate this is all to say that I'm still here, just more quietly and spending my time enjoying Laurent and Lily, watching the sheep grow woolly while the lambs are growing strong, the birds are all settling into winter. Even our Jasper has matured into a lovely cat and starting to settle from his kittenish ways.

In the meantime planning my garden and indulging rather heavily in knitting and felting. Felting wise I've been doing fulling (felting my knitting) like this Aussie which I also hand-dyed and will embroider shortly. This is the first one I dyed instead of skeins of yarn and I forgot to turn it to get the best depth to the colour, hence the red of the merle being darker in some areas than others.

and needle felting which is awesome! The 'leaf' bits of this little lily of the valley I knitted are needle felted. This one is obviously awaiting dye, as I want a few more pieces before I pull out the dyes and make a big mess.

Lace continues to devil me, cables intimidate me but I love the flow of the yarn under my fingers and I am getting better and learning new techniques although I'm sure my work is still clumsy and noviceish to experienced knitters but I'm proud of it none the less! For a treat I bought some yummy yarns I liked at Spotlight which are just for ME. Aren't they purdy?
from bottom left:

• white Moda Vera Kicky, a silky acrylic 8 ply
  
• bottom right - greens colourway of MV Milliefoglie which is a very soft, self striping yarn whose colourways look like different yarns joined in
• top right MV Picchio a worsted weight 70% Merino Fine superwash, 30% silk with long gradiant colourways (going to become a mistake rib neck warmer)
  
• top left the blue and lime number... from Lincraft though I can't recall the name
• and last MV Monsoon, also worsted weight and made of soya with a metalic twist in a natural/rusty/amythest colourway... soooo soffttttt... it's hard to resist snuggling it!
  

A picture is worth a thousand words...

... and as anyone who knows me can testify, I've never been accused of brevity. The day was so warm and sunny I ended up wagging half of the things I needed to do around here to spend part of the afternoon just holding Lily and watching La and the girls play while occasionally snapping photos.

The other day one of the mums at the playground who does family day care asked me how we'd found the adjustment to having two and sibling rivalry. It's actually been so much smoother than I anticipated it would be - although really that could be said of her whole pregnancy, birth and the transition from having one child to two. He is such a little whirlwind and likes being the focus of everyones attention I rather thought he might have a hard time of it but so far he seems to have slid into the role almost seamlessly. He adores Lily and can be so tender and touching with her it's gorgeous to watch. He has a particular fascination with asking me to hold her so I can take a picture of him with her - this happens at least once a day, every day. He loves being able to help me with her - be it fetching a toy to show her, assisting with nappy-changes or directing me as to what she needs. (I am still not competent enough to understand her myself apparently.) She is his "Illie-pillie", his sweetheart. (Lilypillie being my nickname for her) I think he's actually been easier in many ways since she arrived and oddly parenting two feels easier than parenting one. It makes no sense but there you go.

My gorgeous little man




And my little Lily-pillie...

Names and Noms

Lucy, from Blue Mountains Menagerie, came up with names for the twins - the little ram is Macchiato and the little ewe Cino. Mocca-Chocca's little ram lamb has a name from Florence whom my ducks Matilda and Magnolia came from. Black with a dollop of cream and possibly carrying chocolate - he's Vienna.

"Lucerne is nom! What else is nom?"

"How about buckets? Are buckets nom?"

"Are fingers nom???" (That's my finger he's trying to nurse, he's actually rather fond of trying this any time he sees me!)

"Hello Auntie Star!" (Mind you Star is FAR more interested in the lucerne, she is part piggie!)

"Gee, you're a funny looking sheep!"

Latte is still a bit skittish and wanting her space, so only one picture of them at a distance. I figure it's only fair to respect her instincts telling her to keep them apart from everyone for the moment.

One of these days I'm going to have time to sit down to journal all the things I'm thinking about but as it is, time and a 1 month old limit the more in depth thoughts getting onto the proverbial paper. Still they are things I do want to get down - especially on things like Lily turning a month old and my thoughts on her birth and mothering at the moment. It's been so fantastic, all of it, I'm really still on a high from her birth and beyond clucky for more... more pregnancies, more labor, more bubbas!

In the meantime, today I went to a Gloria Lemay "Bringing Birth Back To Women" discussion and while I was there I received a phone call to let me know Latte, my other moorit ewe, had delivered twins - a little spotted ewe lamb (getting a drink in the photo) and a little ram lamb with a few white hairs. Not the best photo as it was dark by the time I got home but trust me they are very cute!

Mothers Day

This is my mothers day card, from "my two biggest fans", Lala and Lily. The colours don't quite show up correctly as Lily's handprint is actually orange rather than red, while La's is green.
Other than that we mostly had a normal day.... between feeding miss Lilykins I cleaned the house (though by the time I'm writing this you'd be forgiven for doubting me on that), cleaned out the chook shed, turned over the compost heap, started prepping one of the garden beds which will be dismantled as we're enlarging the area significantly, took care of critters, gathered kindling, went shopping to the pet stock store for dog food, a quick peek in the nursery while Nic took La and popped into the market. (Or "sucre market" in La-speak, my favorite missaying at the moment as it is also French for 'sweet', so it's the sweet market.) I'd have liked to have gone to Kuranga again, as we did last mothers day but unfortunately there's just never enough hours in the day and with everything being a bit behind taking care of home took precedence.

On a happier note when we were checking the lamb over today, La wanted a cuddle so we snapped a few pictures. Sierra was my self appointed "helper", ensuring the lamb didn't wander while I tried to juggle camera and baby till she was asked to lay down also. LOL
Not entirely looking forward to tomorrow as I will be up far earlier than the mother of a 1 month old should have to be to drive Nic to work since I need the car to pick up my gander from the vets. Thankfully at least it has been determined to be nothing contagious to the rest of the birds - a metabolic problem - but feeling rather 'meh' about breeding overall the moment. One wonders if it's worth the heartache we put ourselves through when we loose them to accidents or illness or they don't turn out.

Lambikins!

We had a lovely surprise this afternoon. When I went to give the sheep their treats and called them over we had an extra member to our little flock. He has no name yet... but he's just cute as a little button! He's black with a white cap and mumma is being a very good mumma as you can see - quite protective of her little one! His daddy is probably not my ram Cadbury but his mumma's breeder's other ram Domino who is black and white spotted.

Bunny Lala and Lilypillie

*snap*
*snap*

*snap* (Hm, that's cute.)
"Me too mum!"
*SNAP!*

Sneak peek...

Here are a few of the pictures from the other day. The photographer does a "sneak peek" on her blog, before the private proof gallery is up. She did such a nice job, I can't wait to see the rest... :-D In the photo with Hope, if anyone is wondering why she looks a bit put out despite getting a "treat", he was handing her pumpkin seeds - which Hope gently accepted every time one was offered before very politely before spitting out!

http://pebblesphotography.com.au/blog/2009/05/a-boy-and-his-new-baby-sister/

Excitement...

We're lucky enough to have a photo session for Laurent and Lily today. Anyone who knows me knows I am ever so slightly (okay... completely and utterly...) obsessed with photos and one of the things I really wanted was to have some special photos from the time around Lily being a newborn. I have the ones I've taken of course but while I don't do the worst in the world I'm certainly no pro either and those newborn days go by so quickly, so despite it being not a 'strictly essential' expenditure I refused to spend years regretting not having done so and took some of the gift money for a photo session. La was a total ham of course, little cheeky-cheeks that he is... not that anyone who knows him would expect otherwise. A few sneak peeks should be online later tonight, though the proof gallery will take a bit longer. I am so excited!

I forgot to journal it but Tuesday was also Sierra's 7th birthday! Happy birthday to my bestest nubby-wigglebutt girl!

She was the most beautiful baby and my special treasure and still is.

Pictures and such

These are actually from a some days back now, taken at Jayne's housewarming party. La discovered swirly tennis along with B and thought it was absolutely the coolest. I just like the shots because I'm prone to going gushy remembering how little he used to be. (Blame the hormones...) In fact, when he and B first met they were 1 month and 3 months old respectively.

Not the best shots but I love the cute-little-boys factor... they've grown into such gorgeous little people. :)

And this is X, whom we've known pretty much as long through AB meet-ups although being as he and his mum live further away we haven't seen anywhere near as much. Despite this they had a blast playing.

And of course, requisite shots of Lilypillie... mostly zonked, occasionally with eyes open! LOL




I have been so annoyed with my camera as these are the only pics that have been decent this week! It's too chilly to take pictures outside and with rain and hail, lighting has been very bad inside for natural light shots as my camera hates low light. A lot. From what I've read it's a digital "thing" as it only goes to F2.8 and in low light the camera gears down shutter speed to get good exposure - which means F2.8 and 1/30th which in turn means blur and noise even with a tripod, shutter remote and bumped ISO.

Not much to report on the dog front. I've really just sort of taken a time out from it all. I'm semi-thinking about going back to training next week but I'm not really sure if I'm ready or not. I haven't really had the heart to go since Cami as moving forward means leaving that point of life behind and and I lost out on agility unfortunately. I went to the ASCV's open show and herding, just to watch on Sat and that was hard enough. It took me a long while to get out of the car and my thoughts were wandering to her most of the time. I've also been very remiss in attending e-mails as well, taking ages to reply to anyone, which I feel awful about as it's really rude. A bit of it is because spare time for the computer is a bit more sparse these days but a lot of it if I'm honest just comes from failing to find words in reply to anything to do with it. Not feeling guilty is impossible and not missing her is just not going to happen, no matter how overjoyed I am with Lily and thankful that she along with Laurent, Sierra, Hope, Verity, Jasper, the sheep and birds are all here, healthy and wonderful. On that rather brooding note, the good moments do outweigh the bad and I am doing okay before I worry anyone - it's just that the sadness of the bad moments still walks very near to me.

Night-feeds are one of the 'best of times, worst of times' aspects of babies. Every mother who has rocked a child to sleep has probably hit at point where there is little they wouldn't give for just five more minutes of sleep and I'm no exception to that - there were plenty of such points with La given how unsettled he often was with reflux. I do love the secret moments of quiet intimacy curled up in the night nursing and rocking my bubbas though.

Last night most of Lily's feeds involved snuffling from her spot next to me, being scooped up, feeding and falling back off into her dreams pleasantly warm and full without ever fully waking. At around 4:30 she woke up more properly after needing a change and I held her drinking in the moment while gazing into wise little old eyes, rocking gently back and forth while inhaling the scent of newbornness. We listened to the rain tapping on the roof and the winds rushing around the house while we were snug in bed, warm blankets nested around us, the scent from the oil burner still lingering slightly, the only light for as far as I could see the soft light from my little lamp until she drifted back off and was snuggled down next to me again.

Lily's Birth Story

A lot of Lily's birth has it's roots in Laurent's. His birth was far from ideal but while a number of things happened that shouldn't have, in terms of hospital births and the horror stories out there I considered it fairly mild and I'd been able to advocate for myself well enough most of the time.

When I first thought of TTC our second, I knew I could go into a hospital and advocate for myself again although I'd go into it with independent support this time. However the more I thought not only in terms of what I didn't want but what I did want and what fit with the physiological and psychological process of birthing, the more apparent it was to that what I was thinking of when I pictured this birth was a home birth.

Having now had such a beautiful experience with my home birth, I honestly can't picture choosing to go back into a hospital system for future births unless there was a genuine need to do so. The possibility of the law making that impossible is a disturbing one. The difference in care and the whole experience was just night and day even though compared to many hospital births Laurent's was not particularly awful.

Choosing midwives was easy... I'd met Andrea, who would be my primary midwife, through birthing meetings and felt very comfortable with her. Helen who became our other midwife I met through Andrea and was likewise instantly comfortable with. The pregnancy went so smoothly I didn't even really feel pregnant until the last few weeks and even then I was only slowed by a cold and loss of Cami rather than the pregnancy. By 36 weeks I was having a fair number of braxton-hicks and in the last week and a bit proper contractions occasionally for a week or so. With Laurent's labor I had no show, no loss of mucous plug, no backache, never lost my waters (he was born in the caul) only a measly few painless braxton hicks some days before - just went to bed at midnight and woke up at 2am in full labor contractions only a few minutes apart so it was hard to be patient when it felt so near!

On the morning of the 8th, Nic asked me if I'd like to sleep in a bit more and I said yes as I'd slept very poorly. I dozed 10 minutes before I felt my waters go, jumped up out of bed and whooped excitedly to Nic to bring me breakfast because I was in labor! I popped online to post the good news, feeling giddy and cheering and rang the midwives to leave messages labor had started. In the meantime I had breakfast and by the time I finished maybe 10-15 minutes later contractions had progressed in strength and intensity to about every 3-5 minutes apart, maybe 30-40 seconds each and quickly ramping up. Nic was flustered having slept through Laurent's early labor until shortly before we left. I told him to relax but he wanted to ring around and since it gave him something to do I waved him off and simply focused on moving into the contractions. Finally he came back and told me he'd heard from Helen who was on her way, while Andrea, my primary midwife was just wrapping up at an earlier birth and would be over soon.

Helen arrived at 1 o'clock, announced by the girls. My contractions were hitting hard, fast and heavy and I moaned and breathed through them. In between one of the contractions she asked if it was alright to check bubs heart rate, offered me some water and brought almond oil for my lips but otherwise just letting me focus internally and occasionally quietly affirming I was doing well. I just nodded and said I knew. I was thinking to myself I had several hours of this to go despite the contractions being close together when she said she saw the head. I think it'd have been 20 minutes after when Andrea arrived and Helen stepped back to let her ask how I was going when I had a moment between contractions. I told her I wouldn't mind if there were at least few seconds between one contraction for a breather, still a bit disbelieving I could be so near to the end. Nic was in and out and La was in at a few points, giving me pats and a hug as she quietly chatted to him about his sister coming before he left again to go play.

Only minutes after I felt a shift in the sensation, a sort of tremendous pressure and stretching and began bearing down. I felt a bit surprised that this was it... everyone always talked about the ring of fire or how it was the most painful experience and while this hurt it was a hurt of intensity rather than agony. I hollered it out - loudly, which surprisingly did make it feel better! Meanwhile Nic and Laurent had gone out to the garden a bit previous, so Helen quickly went to fetch them. La had apparently already heard me as she was starting to crown though and told Nic I was ouchie and he needed to go help me. They had just enough time for Nic to start snapping photos while Helen held Laurent, as Andrea supported bubs head as it emerged.

With the next contraction after her head, she slipped out and Andrea brought her up and into my arms, with a towel wrapped around her. Having started with waters bursting at around 10:30, Lily had arrived by 12:42 though it seemed so much shorter to me! Time spent pushing was a mere 4 minutes. I dried her off for a moment and was asked if I'd like to move to the couch to rest while we waited for the placenta. The midwives got a bunch of the blankets to make me a cozy little nest and I sat down and asked if I could get some lemonade and a few biscuits.

The placenta took it's time to arrive, by that point the cord had stopped pulsing and I asked to have it cut, the placenta was irritating me by taking it's time and I wanted to be able to shift without having to manage the cord attached to bubs. The cord was clamped and Nic cut it. Our student midwife Sharron who'd been following my pregnancy had rushed from class to make it when Andrea had texted her and made it unfortunately literally minutes too late for the actual birth. La had 'In The Night Garden' on in the background, I was just relaxed listening to everyone chat over teas occasionally pipping up between baby gazing. I was a bit wobbly but eventually the placenta arrived after some lazy contractions, was in-tact and healthy so we were able to get cleaned up and dressed.

After everyone eventually left I posted some photos and news around 6pm to update everyone and after took a bit of a nap. So that was that and Lily was born. I really couldn't believe it was so quick and easy and felt like I could do that again. Pretty bad when straight after you're already clucky for more! LOL Lily has been the most cruisey, contented baby... totally not fussed by anything really. What more can you ask for really?