Tuesday, September 29, 2009

1 month

I've been feeling rather down lately... not exactly unexpected but it's certainly not fun and I'm conscious of not letting it spiral into out and out depression. It's been a month since we sent Veri to the Bridge and two dogs still feels like an amputated limb. You still feel like it should be there and step into life by habit only to find air where your mind remembers there should be firmity and start tumbling.

I've spent the better part of the past few months just working on getting through everything and trying to keep our household (relatively) chugging along. The lambs are now more independent - and Luna's sore leg seems to have come good thankfully. The major repairs are more or less done and so the constant stream of insurance adjustors, assessors and repairmen tromping through my space from sparrows fart until sundown is over for a few weeks. Everything is returning to what passes for normalcy in our house and the shock of it all has worn away leaving the starkness of it's reality. In a hundred of the small tasks that make up the day I'm reminded I will never have my little blue dog with me again.

I'm finding the finality of it is hitting me in odd ways as it sinks in. With other losses I grieved of course but also felt that another would help me, whereas where after Cami and now Veri I've not been able to think of a point where I could contemplate another. A number of people are sure this is just a temporary thing but for someone whose life has been all about her dogs, it's an eerie and uncomfortable thought to be having at all. I have a very hard time even looking at other dogs right now. It's not even that they're doing something that reminds me of her or that I wish I was there showing or whatnot... it's just that those dogs are there, and alive and their owners have them to love still. It's the ghost of all the moments we'll never have I see in those dogs.

I went to the Royal and ruined every one's time. Poor Nic, I didn't really want to go back to watch the dogs but wasn't really in the mood to do anything else and no I didn't want to leave but I wasn't sure I wanted to stay either. The only minor positive in the day was that I was finally able to pet another dog besides my own and I think that was mostly because it was of a breed so different looking to mine. Several other dog events have caught be by the side as well.

Laurent doesn't seem to really grasp the whole thing. He has become a bit obsessed with talking about her passing and Cami's as well as he tries to nut out the concept of death and forever. I answer everything honestly but sometimes I wish the child came with a mute button for when I need him to just shut up about death and dying already.

1 comment:

aussienut said...

I'm so sorry Amanda. I don't know what else to say really :-(. I can't imagine the time you are going through and certainly wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It's not something that you can say 'oh but it will pass' because in some ways you don't want it to. All you want are your girls back, and nothing can ever replace them.

I honestly don't know what to say other than my deepfelt condolonces and sending big understanding hugs your way.